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Monday, September 28, 2009

Like a Fire is Burning

I went to the RS Broadcast on Saturday up at the Conference Center. (Thanks, Kristy!) BJ's mom, my neighbor, Kristen, and I got up there in plenty of time to sit and relax and ponder a bit before it started. I'm not sure if I was just in the right frame of mind, or perhaps it was because we were sitting on the third row (again, Thanks, Kristy!), or what the deal was, but the entire time I felt like I was being taught directly. I wasn't in a room with thousands of other people, but rather, all of the talks were written and given specifically for me.

There are two things in particular that I learned (in a very general sense. I learned many, many more in a specific sense):
  1. It was a really good meeting. I remember back when I was a youth and I would hear people say, "That was a really good meeting, "And I would think, "Huh? How was that any different from every other long, boring meeting?" Sure, here and there I'd go to some youth fireside that would really strike me, but for the most part, I simply couldn't figure out what people were talking about. I've realized recently that for the past several years I have not only really enjoyed General Conference, but I have actually looked forward to it. And I leave the meetings thinking, "Wow. That was a really good meeting." I was pondering that as I left the RS Broadcast, wondering why that was, and I decided that it has everything to do with where I was spiritually in life. The closer I grow to the Spirit, the more he can touch me and teach me. The more I want to learn, grow, and do better, the more I hear and understand and see my weaknesses. The more desire I have to do better, the more that desire is excited into action, so that I actually do do better.
  2. My friend, Kami, once said something to the effect of, "I want to live my life so that I'm worthy of being a prophet's wife. Not that I'm hoping to marry a prophet, but I want to be worthy of it in case it's asked of me." I've always thought that is very wise advice and have tried to live by it myself. Now sure, I'm not perfect and there are definitely major flaws in my life that I need to correct before I would be worthy of that, but it's a good goal to work towards. During the Broadcast I had a thought similar to that, but I saw it in a different light and it hit me really powerfully. As Sister Beck spoke (holy cow, I really admire that woman) I just felt completely enveloped in what she said. I felt strongly that Relief Society is super important and is currently and will continue to play a very large part in my life. My testimony of Relief Society was strengthened greatly. At one point I had the crazy thought, what if someday I am called to be the General RS Pres?* Would I be worthy? Suddenly the thought that Kami once shared with me was brought to mind, but with a twist. What if I was foreordained to be the General RS President and because of my own apathy for spiritual progression, I lost that opportunity? How would I feel when I sit at the judgment bar if realized the potential I had and how remarkably short of it I fell? So instead of looking at it as, "I want to be worthy of this nigh unreachable goal, just in case," I saw it as, "What if I have been foreordained to something great? Will I be worthy to live up to my own potential?" It's the same idea, but looked at in a different light.
Needless to say, I left that meeting full of fire, full of a desire to change my ways and to be better. I see several gaping spiritual holes in my life right now (anyone else struggle with reading scriptures daily?) that I can change, and I currently have the desire to do so. I also believe that growing spiritually isn't limited to Primary Answers. I believe that also being organized, having a clean house, being responsible, being physically fit, etc., is a vital part of it, a part that I struggle with as well. Today I made a list of all of the things I want to do daily, weekly, and monthly. I included spiritual and temporal things. I then put those on a calendar with the weekly and monthly things spaced out so I don't have to do them all at once. I then printed it out (along with the Scripture Reading Chart that I blogged about a few months ago) so that as I do those things, I can cross them off. I'm hoping that within a month or so, they'll become habit and next month I can take them off the calendar and replace them with the next set of things I've realized I need to work on.

It was a really good meeting.

*Please do not think, even for a moment, that I am longing for the calling of General RS President. I was once the RS Pres for a singles ward at BYU and that was super stressful. I can't even fathom how much more stressful it would be to be responsible for all of the LDS women in the world. How scary would that be?!


Josh & Jul said...

Tianna, I love reading your blog. It makes me so happy!

Alison Berrett said...

You are so much better with words than I am! I felt the same way about that meeting, that I too was being taught directly. Thank you for your thoughts, it helped me realize my own!